All New

I'm sitting here in my apartment bedroom at my little, but already crowded, desk, my knee is shaking up and down restlessly, a movie is playing, and my eyes are wandering to my clock every few seconds, wondering if it's time for bed yet. Am I tired? No. But I want it to be tomorrow. Badly. Because I hate waiting. And tomorrow, the waiting is over.
I got here on Thursday, and had a bit of an adventure with my apartment. It's all better now, and I don't want to drag it into cyber-space, but suffice it to say, it was not QUITE ready for me yet. That was fine, I had an entire weekend to get settled. So Friday the parents and I came over and started the process of moving me in. Oh my goodness, was it a lot of work. It took all day Friday and half of the day Saturday just to get boxes and suitcases empty. And that wasn't even the organizing process. My parents left Saturday early afternoon, and I worked really hard to be busy the rest of the day, and it worked. Until about 7 pm. I had done everything I could think of, and I was alone in my apartment. My roomies don't come for a few weeks, but there is still one girl here. But last night, I was alone, and it was not good. I started to freak to myself about being in a new place completely on my own without friends or family to help me or take care of me. Twenty-six years old and I was more scared than I had been when I went off to BYU at 18. I had no idea what I was getting into with my assistantship, not to mention the whole grad school thing. And then there was the prospect of church on Sunday. I was desperate to have friends there, so that it wouldn't feel so lonely here. I knew that once things got under way with work and school I would meet people and there would be real purpose to my being here, but that seemed forever away. I wanted to call my mom, but I knew that if I heard her voice, I would dissolve into helpless sobs that she wouldn't be able to do anything about. So we texted. Thank you, technology. She helped me get to the root of what was really bothering me, and then I came to the realization that I should have come to years ago. I needed to take care of myself in all aspects, and I had forgotten the most important part. I was moved into my apartment, had bought groceries, brought my textbooks, and picked up notes from my new job. I was following the promptings the Lord had given me about school and location, but I had forgotten that the biggest part of following His plan is to put everything in His hands. I was still trying to hang on to everything, to control everything, and the unknown expanse ahead of me was absolutely terrifying. I wasn't sure that I actually could stop the worrying and the fear and the panic that was starting to set in. No one was here to tell me things would be okay. I'd received a priesthood blessing from my father before he left, and there were some amazing promises and assurances in there. But those all seemed so far away. What was I supposed to do here and now, when I wasn't close enough for a mommy-hug? I went for my first thought: youtube. I went to the MormonMessages channel and clicked on the first video I found. It was one of the new Bible videos about the Savior, and He was teaching the beatitudes. My tears came back as I heard Him say "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." I thought, "That's me!" I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. I wanted to be what He wanted me to be. I felt empty and I wanted to be filled. Then He said "Ye are the light of the world, a city that is set on a hill cannot be hid... Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father, which is in heaven." I have a responsibility here to be a light, to be an example. I couldn't do that if I was filled with worry and fear, especially when they were all so needless. But how was I supposed to get rid of them? I watched more movies on there: clips from general conference, message videos about getting through hardships and loving whatever comes, a brief clip of the prophet speaking just so I could hear his voice. I read the comments on Facebook that people had made, and one of my favorite women said this: "Bloom where you are planted. God sent you there for a reason. Find it, love it, and you might find a miracle." How I wanted that to be true! I wrote down quotes from what I was hearing, and posted them all over my room. "The simple secret is this: put your trust in the Lord, do your best, and leave the rest up to Him." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin). "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come til heaven, but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland). "We can live with perfect hope and a feeling of peace. We need never feel that we are alone or unloved in the Lord's service because we never are. We can feel the love of God. The Savior has promised angels on our left and on our right to bear us up and He always keeps His word." (Henry B. Eyring) Trust God. Leave everything up to Him. We are never alone. It was so simple, and yet I hadn't done it. How could I have forgotten to trust the One who had sent me here? I was ashamed of myself, and I knelt with my heart aching. I knew I had been stupid not to trust Him, and that it was silly to be so worried when He was in charge, but that is what happens to us mortals. So I poured my heart out to the Lord, and I told him that I would turn my worries and my fears over to Him, that I would put my trust in Him because I knew [and I DO KNOW] that He has a plan for me here. He told me in the blessing, and I knew that if I went forward with faith, that I would be protected. I would flourish. Even if the road ahead is hard, I can keep my head held high and my heart full of faith because He is guiding my steps. I never realized this before, but it is REALLY HARD to take that step out into the darkness, with the unknown ahead of us and no light to guide us more than that one step. But I have also learned, in the few hours of my being here, that if it were easy, there wouldn't be a reason to do it at all.
So. I am going to be patient here, in my new apartment, in my new city, in my new job, in my new school, in my new ward. I am going to put one foot in front of the other on this path that God has put me on, because I know He is taking me somewhere great. There are lessons to learn, people to touch, and rough edges that I need knocked off so that I can become refined and more fit for His kingdom here and to come.
Anyways, my apartment is now officially home. I have referred to it has such already multiple times. It's a little too quiet, and a little too lonely, but that will change. I went to my new ward today, and it was incredible. Tiny and mighty. But it will grow as students come back. Not that it needs to. I was filled today and I honestly a truly believe that this is going to be one of the best times in my life. Easy? No, not at all. In fact, I'm sure it won't be. Fun? Could be, should be, that's up to me. Worth it? Absolutely, and without a doubt.
It's a new adventure, a new challenge, and hopefully, a new me.