Anyway, this particular friend has been on my mind on and off for years, because he is one of the few people that I am no longer close to that I really and truly regret the distance. And we weren't even that close! But I always have felt that there was something more I could have done for him, something more that I could have BEEN for him that would change the way things are now. I have prayed for this friend night after night on and off for years and years, but I've never reached out again, mostly because I have no idea how he would respond. He doesn't need to know that I feel guilty about being absent, because I don't even know that I was missed. It's a conversation that probably doesn't need to happen, because life has changed both of us, and the woman I am is not the girl I was. But why do I still feel that tug in my heart, that "would have, should have, could have" feeling that won't leave me alone, the "what if" scenario that toys with my mind, bringing up imaginations of a friendship rekindled, or, in the best versions, was never lost.
Would it have made a difference to him if I'd stayed in touch?
If I had been there for him, even if he didn't need it, acknowledge it, or want it, would it have mattered?
I hate that I've abandoned people. I don't know if I really have, but it feels that way sometimes. It's like a reverse version of "It's A Wonderful Life", where my reality is the dark part and every now and then I catch glimpses of what could have been if I'd only been there or been involved or told him this or been more like that.
And he's not the only one that makes me feel this way. There are a few others. Every so often they come into mind, and I think, "I could have done more for him/her." I pray for all of them, individually. Not every night. But when they come into mind, I pray for them.
Because it's all I can do now.
So if any of you that are reading this feel let down by me in any way, shape, or form, I am so sorry. I have never intended to abandon anyone. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or let any friendship slowly shrivel and die away. It was just so easy. But know that I love you. Each of you. And if you want me to reach out, I will. I want to reach out and heal hurts that I've caused. Or hurts that just need some soothing, and maybe I can help. It's what the Savior would do and I want nothing more than to do what He would do.
I've lost a lot of friends. They're still my friends, I guess, if you count Facebook friends as actually being your friends, but it's in name only. Not real friends. Not anymore.
But last night, in my dream, that was all fixed with my friend.
And it was amazing.
Then I woke up. And I missed him.