Time to discus something that is super personal and drives me crazy and my parents crazy and no doubt my friends crazy, but it is something that I have been dealing with for some time now. It doesn't seem like a big deal, when you look at it, but it can be. And for me it has been.
This big, ginormous, annoying elephant in the room is worry.
Seems like no big deal, right? We worry, we're human. Parents worry about their children. Kids worry about getting in trouble. Students worry about passing exams or classes. Girls worry about impressing boys. Boys worry about impressing girls. Worry is a part of our lives.
Worry can take over our lives.
I don't believe I'm alone in this, but I have had moments where worry has been so intense that it has taken control of my mind. I become anxious and panicked and cannot think straight. Perspective goes out of the window. All I can think about is my worry. What if. Those are the scariest words for a worrier.
I do a decent job of pretending to be tough and trying to keep a good perspective, but worry eats away at you and sits on your chest until you can hardly breathe. It makes you think the Spirit is telling you something is wrong, even though you know in your head that you're fine. It can make you think you're having a heart attack. It can make you want to vomit. It can take the feeling away from your knees. You can feel completely paralyzed and paranoid because you feel like the floor is going to fall out from under you.
People can tell you that none of this matters, that you're fine, that life is not about this, and all of that is true. But you can't hear that when you are worrying. Because for this moment, this IS your life. For where you are and what you are doing, this is important. Will it determine the course of your life? Probably not. Will it take away from who you are? Probably not. Do you lose anything because of it? Not really. But you worry as if all of eternity is resting on this one thing.
I don't have any secrets on how to fight this. Every person is different. All I know is it's not healthy, it's not right, and you cannot live like this. So for me, I just pray, take a deep breath, and go through my life one day at a time. Someday, maybe I'll figure this all out and have secrets to help others. But for now, I've got today. And it's a beautiful day to be alive.
2 comments:
Becky, I totally understand. And it is just trying to get through one day (and sometimes, one moment) at a time. You voiced things that I've tried to explain to people, but they just don't understand. I've spent years discovering ways to get me through it, and fortunately, I have some amazing people in my life who I can talk to. You are an amazing person (as I'm rediscovering!); you'll make it through somehow.
Priesthood blessings have helped me when I am having serious anxiety. I'm sure this isn't a big breakthrough, but I try to have a blessing right before I know I will have anxiety or right after. I find it better to have a blessing when I'm not freaking out so I can really process things. You are an amazing girl and so incredibly smart. We all have our weaknesses so they can turn into our strengths as we work towards becoming more like our Father in Heaven. This will become a strength for you! I love you!
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