Just a Thought

So things are going well for me, all things considered. I’m almost done with school [62 days!!!] which means I have to find a job [now taking suggestions and applications….anywhere…] and get ready to move.

It sounds so grown up, getting a job and moving. I mean, I’ve done it before, I’ve graduated twice already (three times if you count massage school, four if you count pre-school) and I’ve moved a lot in my life. But this one….this is the beginning of EVERYTHING. I knew when I had my job in Lafayette that I was in a holding pattern, just trying to figure out what the next step was, and I knew the same thing with every other place that I have lived. But this is huge. This is a great big step out into the real grown-up world. I could be in this next place for ten or twenty years. I could be there for one year. Who knows? This is officially where planning ends.

I’m not sure I like that. I am a HUGE planner. Like one of those people who planned out her high school courses as a freshman. For all 4 years. And I did the same with college. The unknown is not exciting for me, it’s terrifying. I like knowing what I am getting into before I get there.

Well, life doesn’t work that way. So one of us has got to change.

Turns out, that would be me.

I’m getting there, I really am. I’m excited for the adventures ahead. I’m terrified that I graduate in 62 days and I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing. I’m thrilled to move to a new place and learn what to love about it and meet new people. I’m REALLY excited to have more time and money than I do now.

But in looking back, I have to admit that I have learned and grown so much from my time here. I’ve been stretched and pulled and yanked and beaten down in ways I never knew I could endure. But I’ve also grown in ways I never thought possible. I’ve become a woman I never knew I could become. I have met people that have changed my life, and I have had experiences that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

So what does the future hold for me? I don’t know, and I can’t plan for it. But Someone has a plan for me. He knows what is ahead and what lies in store. So the question might not be as much “Am I ready for this?” but “Do I actually trust the Ultimate Planner?”

The answer is, of course, YES.

So I really don’t need to be afraid anymore, do I?

Just a thought.

New blog!

Hey guys. I'm starting a new blog all about my new adventures in the world of senses. Follow my stories and experiences at scentlessadventures.blogspot.com.
I'll still have this one going for all the rest of my craziness, so don't change the channel. Now there's just more to love and laugh at!

Life lately and thoughts

So I feel like I should let people know what's going on, but I hope you will take it in stride and not feel like I'm announcing my own problems to get attention. Like Elder Scott has said, "...everybody has problems and nobody wants to hear about yours." But I've learned a few things that I think are important to share and I wouldn't have learned them without going through this.
Most of you, I think, know that I got a concussion almost a month ago. We're not sure what happened, nobody saw it and I have a lot of memory loss from that day. But I've had a concussion before, so not too big of a deal, this one was just worse than last time. After two weeks I still had some symptoms that didn't seem to be normal or resolving as fast as they should be, so I went to a doctor, who sent me to a neurologist, who ordered all sorts of tests. X-ray, CT, EEG, and MRI, the whole gambit. After some brief scares, we discovered that I still have some blood in my brain (common after a concussion) but it was in the area of my brain that is near the olfactory nerves, which control sense of smell, and that area also helps with emotions. One of my only remaining symptoms is the fact that I can't smell, [and therefore can't taste very well] so that made sense. Emotionally I seem to be fine, but jury may rule otherwise, I've always been too emotional for my own good (haha!). Anyways, the blood should reabsorb and resolve on it's own, but doctors say we can't really be sure what is going to be permanent at this point until that happens. I promise I'm fine, just experiencing life a bit differently these days.
I've had some interesting insights because of this. I happen to have injuries that are completely internal and no one could tell I even have them. There's no sign I wear that says "I can't smell and my head still hurts" and I'm fully functioning at work and school. But I know I'm not 100% yet. No one else does. Which begs the question: what are others going through that I can't see? Not all problems and injuries are visible to the world, but that doesn't make them less real or damaging. I'm as guilty of rash judgments as any human, but it seems so heartless now that I've seen a brief glimpse of the other side of things. I've had moments where I just think "You have no idea what I am going through, what this feels like. You don't even know." And now I wonder how many other people have that thought on a daily basis, and how many times have I been the cause of that thought.
I don't know how long I'll be like this, and that doesn't matter. What matters is what I've learned and continue to learn from it, and one of those things is that we all struggle in some way, some physically, some mentally, some emotionally, and some in ways that no one will know or see. So I'm determined to be more like our Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered everything and had no bitterness, never complained, and loves everyone, weak and struggling and imperfect and tired though we all are. God loves us perfectly, He knows our struggles, and He would not put obstacles in our path without giving us a way through. Might be over, under, around, or just patiently pushing through. But there is always a way.
To quote my mom, "This is Plan A. The Lord doesn't do Plan B. Only our plans get messed up, not His."

The Truth

It is way past time for me to be completely honest about something in my life that defines me, who I am, what I am, and why I am. It is so precious to me that I sometimes do not speak about it as strongly as I should, for fear that I will not do it justice. But I cannot be afraid anymore. I refuse to be afraid anymore.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have been from the very beginning and while I did start off on this path because my family put me on it, as I have grown and matured and developed I decided it was time to know for myself. This was in high school, when so many are trying to figure out who they are. I had never felt a desire to leave the church, or to question anything I had been taught because it had all felt so right. But I knew I could not testify of the truth if I did not know it for myself. I couldn’t rely on the faith and testimony of others any longer. So I followed the example of the prophet of the restoration, Joseph Smith. As a young boy, he wanted to know which church he should join. But he did more than wonder. He took his questions to the scriptures and searched for answers. He read in James 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” This prompted the 14 year old boy to go out into the woods behind his home and pray, trusting in the promise of the Bible that he would receive an answer. He did receive it, as the Father and the Son appeared to him and told him not to join any of them. What would follow through this faithful young man was a work that changed the world, and continues to change it to this day. Because of him, we have the Book of Mormon, an ancient record of followers of Jesus Christ on the American Continent. Joseph Smith translated the words of prophets in those ancient times, and we now have their testimonies today. They testify of the divinity of the Savior, of His life and His mission and the great mercy and miracle of His infinite atonement. A scripture in the Book of Mormon, given by its final author, a prophet named Moroni, says this: “And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.” That was my signal that it was long past time for me to show the same faith that Joseph Smith did, and ask God if what I had learned, and what I had hoped to be true, really was true.
I did not have an angel visit me. The Father and the Son certainly did not appear to me as they did to Joseph Smith. Lightning did not strike, music did not play, and there was no neon sign flashing the answer at me. But what I did receive is a feeling of warmth and comfort, peace in my mind and in my heart, and I knew—I KNEW!—that it was true. I did not need anyone to prove anything to me. I had asked God, and He had seen fit to reveal it to me. It is true. And that knowledge changed my life.
Because I know it is true, I live my life differently. Instead of viewing my religion as a responsibility or a sign to wear around my neck, it has become a part of me. I don’t just do “Mormon things” because I am supposed to. I AM a Mormon. There is a difference. Knowing what is expected of me is one thing; knowing why it is expected and what I can become because of those expectations is much better. I try to live my life as a disciple of Jesus Christ. This means that I hold myself to a higher standard. Yes, my church has high standards. Some might say we are old fashioned, and I’m proud of that. In the world we live in today, who wants to be on the forefront of the tide of liberality that takes away every moral guideline that was ever in place? What will be gained if we give up our souls?
The high standards of my religion are in place for protection. My high standards for myself are in place because I belong to the Savior and Redeemer of the world, Jesus Christ. He has ransomed me through His atonement, and my weaknesses and sins and mistakes, my hurts and my longings, my grief and my loss, are swallowed up by that. He has paid the price for me, so that even with my shocking amount of failings, I can be made clean and whole. I can live forever with Him and our Father in Heaven after this life, if I am worthy. I have devoted my life to Him, to His work, and to His children. Am I perfect? Of course not. I am far, far from it. If I had to spend a minute on my knees in prayer for every sin and weakness that I commit in a day, I would be kneeling until the end of time. But He takes my efforts and puts them on His mighty shoulders and carries me. He knows my heart. He knows that just because I mess up does not mean I am a bad person or lost or weak – though I might argue with Him on my weakness. He sees my heart. He knows that I am trying. And that means something to Him.
I love Him with all of my heart and all that I am. I will never be able to comprehend His suffering, or His goodness, nor will I ever be able to express gratitude enough for a fragment of what He has done for us. I am eternally indebted to Him, and that is why I have given myself to Him.
We are all children of a loving Father in Heaven, who laid out a plan for His children so that we might learn and gain experience through mortality. He knew we would mess up, which is why He sent our brother, Jesus Christ, to be our Savior. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He has a plan set for each of us. Every trial, every hardship, every good thing is in place in our life perfectly so that we can become the people He wants us to be, the people He needs us to be, so that His work can go forward. He wants nothing more than for us to return to Him. He loves us beyond our comprehension, and He will never leave us to face this world alone. Never!

There are so many questions in this life. Confusion and turmoil run rampant and it is only getting worse. But I can testify, with every fiber of my being, that we are not alone. That the answers are here. That peace and understanding and guidance are found here. Honestly and earnestly seeking for answers will result in revelation of truth. In a time when we do not know where to turn, I know where to turn for my solace and consolation. I know where to go for my answers and problems. I am not a great person, I have no power or influence. But I know that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. He is my Savior. He is the Master and Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. He is the Messiah, prophesied of for generations before. He is the source of peace and goodness and life. I know that God, our loving and eternal Heavenly Father lives and loves us. I know that He sent Jesus Christ to the earth to save us, to help us back to His presence. I know that families can be bound together for eternity, not just until death to you part, but for eternity. Love and families are eternal, they were meant to be eternal. Heavenly Father wants us to be together forever. He has a plan for that. He has a plan for everything. And His plan is perfect.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church of Jesus Christ upon the earth. I know that we have the fullness of His everlasting gospel. I do not say this because I am the #1 fan of my church, although I might be. I say this because I have studied scripture, I have searched for truth, I have asked, and I have received. What I know I know. Anyone can know with surety for themselves if they will follow the example of prophets and apostles before: search for truth and pray for answers. If you ask with faith, if your heart is in the right place, if you yearn to know so that you can do God’s will, YOU WILL KNOW. I know this is true with all of my heart. I know we have a prophet on the earth today. His name is Thomas S. Monson, and he has been called of God in this day to lead us and guide us in the paths of the Lord. He is just as much of a prophet as those found in the Bible. He is the purest example of Christlike love, because he knows the Master. He strives daily to be more like Him, to see all as He sees them.
I hope one day to be able to say the same about myself. But for now, I am trying.
I know this has been really preachy, and not at all like my usual humorous posts. But this is important to me, and I do not and will never take it lightly. There is much trouble in the world. But there is also SO MUCH GOOD. There are so many good people who are trying to be like Jesus, who want to do what is right, and who serve their fellow man with grace and charity and love. There is hope in the world, and there is hope in His gospel.
So come into the fold. Bring the goodness that you have found in your life and see if more can be found here with us. And together, we can build the kingdom of the Lord. We can walk in the Savior’s footsteps together. We can help each other on our journey through life. And when our mortality is through, we can rejoice together in the kingdom of our Father, where peace and hope are eternal and love never ends.

For more information, message me at bconn369@gmail.com or go to Mormon.org.

God bless.

Adventures of the Imagination

The last few days have been quite the adventure for me, but not in the way you would think. I'm still living and working in Morgantown, I've not done anything especially exciting or adventurous, I don't have any more money now than I did last week [in fact I have less], and tomorrow will be pretty much the same as today. But not all adventures are things you can see or that are apparent to the outside world.
In the world of a writer, most of your adventures happen inside your head.
Don't get anxious, I'm not crazy. I just have a really overactive imagination. And when I get fixed on something, it takes over.
I have no idea how other writers work in their craft. I'm fairly certain we're all different in our methods and madness. For me, it gets pretty intense and I have to watch out or I get carried away on extraneous stuff and lose the story itself. In this case, however, I just call it research.
I have a story. It's completely different from anything else I have ever written, which is probably why I'm so fond/proud of it. All along I thought it was a 3 book series, of which I have completed the first, began and laid out the second, and plotted the third. I had a general idea of what people looked like and how they acted, but nothing specific. I had a general idea of what the outfits and locations looked like, but nothing specific. And I don't need specifics. Not really. That's what imagination is for, right?
Anyway, I've had this all ready for over a year. The first book was finished in the middle of last fall and it just sat there. I had my two advanced readers look at it and they loved it. But then, they tend to love everything I've written. I got some advice and suggestions, which I took and adjusted, but being in grad school sucks time out of your life and so it just sat there. Eventually, I asked two others to read it, and got positive responses from it. But I still didn't have time or energy to let myself get back into it.
Then school got out.
And the fun began.
I am one of those people who writes to music. I can listen to a song and put a scene to it. Within reason.  So I usually line up a playlist of the sorts of music I think works with the material I'll be working on. If a particular song works exceptionally well [ie. is perfect for what I am writing at the moment or distracts me enough to put a new scene in my head], it goes on what I call the "official playlist", meaning it will be used later or when I put together my actual soundtrack when all is said and done. Yes, I do official soundtracks. It makes me happy.
So I was working out the other day listening to my unofficial playlist and ideas just kept coming. And suddenly I realized that three books wouldn't be enough with all I wanted to do, so it became four books. And possibilities expanded. Battle scenes, emotional scenes, new characters, characters I'd forgotten, tragic deaths, spontaneous hilarity.... It was overwhelming.
So I decided to step back and get some specifics. I generally try to have what I call my "dream cast", meaning if I were one of the lucky few who got to have her work immortalized on the big screen, who would play my characters. Obviously, it's not a perfect system, but it helps me to be able to picture how the features I've described my characters as having or possessing work on real people. And having real people to go off of makes planning out actions and emotions and nuances easier. For me, at least. So I set about finding my main guy. That came pretty easily. I know you don't know the story, but if you are nice, I'll give you a teaser later. Anyway, the main guy to know in this story is Nash. He is quiet, strong, loyal, and carries a dark past. He is also observant, kind, and just the slightest bit insecure about himself, but he knows in his heart that he is a soldier. So, for him, I chose Max Irons.

He might be too pretty, but we'll see.

I knew who I wanted for a couple of additional characters, and I won't spoil it for you, but the hardest one by far was my main character, Liv. Liv is tough, hardened by life and circumstances. She will do anything to save her family and does not care about anything beyond that. Until her own past is brought up and she finds out she's a part of a much bigger world and plan than she could ever have imagined. The adventure in the book is hers, as are most of the drama and emotions. I had absolutely no idea who I wanted to play her. I couldn't think of a single actress that had everything I wanted or saw in Liv. That could have been just me being picky and protective of my character. I spent ages on IMDB looking at pictures and profiles and movies. I tried lots of actresses, but some looked too young, too old, too pretty, too girly, etc. No one was perfect. So I moved on to other characters and got just about the entire series cast.

Then I accidentally clicked on "birthdays" and scrolled along to see who had a birthday that day. An actress I had never heard of piqued my interest and I looked at her. She was blonde, which meant I had to think if she could work as a brunette. Then I found a picture of her as a brunette. And the search ended.

Meet Sophie Lowe, my inspiration for Liv:

I won't tell you how excited it made me. You wouldn't understand. But having faces to go with my names makes this real. I know I'll never make it to movies, and it's highly unlikely I'll even get published, but I'm a writer. I write. I don't do it to make money or to become famous. I do it because I love it and I have stories to tell. And now my characters are more real than before. And more adventures can take place.

This is hard

Alrighty, it's about to get real up in here again. Sorry about that, but this is my blog and I can vent if I want to.
Life is hard. I know life is hard for everybody and we all have our different challenges and trials, but right now my life is HARD. Hard enough that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning unless it's Sunday because that is the only day that feels safe. Hard enough that one day at a time is all I can do. Hard enough that I feel like I'm being pushed to the very edge of a cliff and have to figure out how to stay on when everyone and everything around me is shouting "JUMP!" I have never felt so stretched in my entire life.
Now, to be fair, I am a ridiculously emotional and sensitive person. It is the end of my first year of grad school, and I'm exhausted in every single way a girl can be. Everyone tells me I'm in the homestretch, but it feels like the end of the obstacle course in American Gladiators where they put the hardest stuff all at the end and do their very best to break you. I always thought I had good life endurance, but this all makes me feel like a weakling.
I know what part of the trouble is. I'm trying to live righteously. That's not a bad thing, not by a long shot, but it does invite the devil to be hard on you because he wants to break you. I read numerous talks yesterday where the thought was said that when things get really hard, take that as a sign of encouragement that you are on the right path. That made me feel good, but it didn't help me to figure out how to get through it.
I've been praying with more sincerity than I ever have, and I always hope for miracles. But I'm starting to think this is one of those "push through it" times where heaven steps back and says "We're here, but you have to do this. Come on, one more step. One more day." I pray for strength for myself, which I always receive (sometimes by the end of the day I'm on my hands and knees, so to speak, and crawl home, but I make it) and other days it's like "Whew, I made it. That could have been worse." I pray to be positive, because I have to remember that with all of this hard stuff, I am an example of the gospel of Jesus Christ and people watch me. So I bite my tongue when I want to complain. I smile when I want to scream. I pray when I don't think I can do it. It's hard, but I have to do it. I pray for the people who are making my life miserable, because I don't know what else to do, and the Savior told us to pray for those people. I think it helps. But even the Spirit can only go so far in some cases.
I thought I had learned this lesson before now, when I was in a similar situation feeling just as lost and confused. I thought, "Hey, at least I won't have to do that again." I can see now that was to prepare me for this time. This place. These people. This is the real test. At least I hope it is. If it gets any worse than this in the future, God and I are going to have to have a serious talk.
I want to quit. Every day that thought pops into my head. "You don't have to do this. You can go home where there are people who love you. There's a job there you can go back to. You don't even want to do this. Go home. Give up." And never has any temptation been so enticing to me. Would anybody blame me for quitting? No, they've told me as much.
But will I quit? NO.
I may not know why the Lord sent me here and put me in this situation with these people and this place, but I KNOW THAT HE DID. I may be mostly alone here, fighting for my life, so to speak, and without any idea of how far I've come or what I'm doing right, but none of this matters. What matters is getting through it, even if it's by the skin of my teeth, and not letting go of what I know to be true. Nothing will shake my testimony of the Savior and His Atonement. Nothing will make me break the covenants that I have made. Nothing will take away the fact that I have been sealed to my family for eternity. Nothing will actually break me. I may crawl home at the end of the day, I may break down in tears on the phone with my mom because I want to go home, I may feel so hurt that my chest actually aches, I may wonder why in the world do I have to do this (and more terrifying, what could this possibly be preparing me for?), and I may have to talk myself out of bed every morning only to roll on the floor to my knees and pray for the strength to go further, but I will not be broken by this.
Others have gone through worse things, and no trial lasts forever. The scriptures always say "And it came to pass" not "And it came to stay."
So when I feel like my best will never be good enough, when one more day becomes too much, when I am tempted by the thought of giving up, I will remember my Savior, who knows exactly who I am and what I am going through, who has felt everything I am feeling, who endured far worse with far less complaint, who has never left my side and never will, who picks me up at the end of the day and brushes me off and says "Good job, you did it!" He is all the strength that I need.
If that is all I need to learn, that truly relying on Him is the only way, then I say BRING IT ON.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a very dim light and a very long tunnel, but it is there. One step at a time, I'm getting there. Hands and knees some days, but I'm getting there. I am being built for something, and I want to give the Lord the best version of me that I can. He deserves the very best.
I am so grateful for my friends and family that remind me every day that this isn't it, that I am more than this, who make me laugh and tell me it'll all work out and say all sorts of sweet things to make me feel better. You make the day brighter, and I love you for it.
I will make it. We will all make it. We may have bumps and bruises and scrapes and scars when we're done, but everybody knows that bumps and bruises and scrapes and scars come with the best stories. So in a future day when we're all around the camp fire with s'mores telling our stories, I go first. Pass the chocolate.

Worry

Time to discus something that is super personal and drives me crazy and my parents crazy and no doubt my friends crazy, but it is something that I have been dealing with for some time now. It doesn't seem like a big deal, when you look at it, but it can be. And for me it has been.
This big, ginormous, annoying elephant in the room is worry.
Seems like no big deal, right? We worry, we're human. Parents worry about their children. Kids worry about getting in trouble. Students worry about passing exams or classes. Girls worry about impressing boys. Boys worry about impressing girls. Worry is a part of our lives.
Worry can take over our lives.
I don't believe I'm alone in this, but I have had moments where worry has been so intense that it has taken control of my mind. I become anxious and panicked and cannot think straight. Perspective goes out of the window. All I can think about is my worry. What if. Those are the scariest words for a worrier.
I do a decent job of pretending to be tough and trying to keep a good perspective, but worry eats away at you and sits on your chest until you can hardly breathe. It makes you think the Spirit is telling you something is wrong, even though you know in your head that you're fine. It can make you think you're having a heart attack. It can make you want to vomit. It can take the feeling away from your knees. You can feel completely paralyzed and paranoid because you feel like the floor is going to fall out from under you.
People can tell you that none of this matters, that you're fine, that life is not about this, and all of that is true. But you can't hear that when you are worrying. Because for this moment, this IS your life. For where you are and what you are doing, this is important. Will it determine the course of your life? Probably not. Will it take away from who you are? Probably not. Do you lose anything because of it? Not really. But you worry as if all of eternity is resting on this one thing.
I don't have any secrets on how to fight this. Every person is different. All I know is it's not healthy, it's not right, and you cannot live like this. So for me, I just pray, take a deep breath, and go through my life one day at a time. Someday, maybe I'll figure this all out and have secrets to help others. But for now, I've got today. And it's a beautiful day to be alive.