Life lately and thoughts

So I feel like I should let people know what's going on, but I hope you will take it in stride and not feel like I'm announcing my own problems to get attention. Like Elder Scott has said, "...everybody has problems and nobody wants to hear about yours." But I've learned a few things that I think are important to share and I wouldn't have learned them without going through this.
Most of you, I think, know that I got a concussion almost a month ago. We're not sure what happened, nobody saw it and I have a lot of memory loss from that day. But I've had a concussion before, so not too big of a deal, this one was just worse than last time. After two weeks I still had some symptoms that didn't seem to be normal or resolving as fast as they should be, so I went to a doctor, who sent me to a neurologist, who ordered all sorts of tests. X-ray, CT, EEG, and MRI, the whole gambit. After some brief scares, we discovered that I still have some blood in my brain (common after a concussion) but it was in the area of my brain that is near the olfactory nerves, which control sense of smell, and that area also helps with emotions. One of my only remaining symptoms is the fact that I can't smell, [and therefore can't taste very well] so that made sense. Emotionally I seem to be fine, but jury may rule otherwise, I've always been too emotional for my own good (haha!). Anyways, the blood should reabsorb and resolve on it's own, but doctors say we can't really be sure what is going to be permanent at this point until that happens. I promise I'm fine, just experiencing life a bit differently these days.
I've had some interesting insights because of this. I happen to have injuries that are completely internal and no one could tell I even have them. There's no sign I wear that says "I can't smell and my head still hurts" and I'm fully functioning at work and school. But I know I'm not 100% yet. No one else does. Which begs the question: what are others going through that I can't see? Not all problems and injuries are visible to the world, but that doesn't make them less real or damaging. I'm as guilty of rash judgments as any human, but it seems so heartless now that I've seen a brief glimpse of the other side of things. I've had moments where I just think "You have no idea what I am going through, what this feels like. You don't even know." And now I wonder how many other people have that thought on a daily basis, and how many times have I been the cause of that thought.
I don't know how long I'll be like this, and that doesn't matter. What matters is what I've learned and continue to learn from it, and one of those things is that we all struggle in some way, some physically, some mentally, some emotionally, and some in ways that no one will know or see. So I'm determined to be more like our Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered everything and had no bitterness, never complained, and loves everyone, weak and struggling and imperfect and tired though we all are. God loves us perfectly, He knows our struggles, and He would not put obstacles in our path without giving us a way through. Might be over, under, around, or just patiently pushing through. But there is always a way.
To quote my mom, "This is Plan A. The Lord doesn't do Plan B. Only our plans get messed up, not His."

Thoughts on a Friend

Last night I had a dream about a friend of mine. At least, he used to be a friend. We haven't spoken in years, so I'm not sure what we are now. Not because we fought or because we changed or because anyone did anything wrong, it just...stopped. I moved away and we stopped talking. I tend to do that. Pick up and move and forget to hang on to what I had. It's not a very good thing to do. But severing ties is easy. It shouldn't be. But it is.
Anyway, this particular friend has been on my mind on and off for years, because he is one of the few people that I am no longer close to that I really and truly regret the distance. And we weren't even that close! But I always have felt that there was something more I could have done for him, something more that I could have BEEN for him that would change the way things are now. I have prayed for this friend night after night on and off for years and years, but I've never reached out again, mostly because I have no idea how he would respond. He doesn't need to know that I feel guilty about being absent, because I don't even know that I was missed. It's a conversation that probably doesn't need to happen, because life has changed both of us, and the woman I am is not the girl I was. But why do I still feel that tug in my heart, that "would have, should have, could have" feeling that won't leave me alone, the "what if" scenario that toys with my mind, bringing up imaginations of a friendship rekindled, or, in the best versions, was never lost.
Would it have made a difference to him if I'd stayed in touch?
If I had been there for him, even if he didn't need it, acknowledge it, or want it, would it have mattered?
I hate that I've abandoned people. I don't know if I really have, but it feels that way sometimes. It's like a reverse version of "It's A Wonderful Life", where my reality is the dark part and every now and then I catch glimpses of what could have been if I'd only been there or been involved or told him this or been more like that.
And he's not the only one that makes me feel this way. There are a few others. Every so often they come into mind, and I think, "I could have done more for him/her." I pray for all of them, individually. Not every night. But when they come into mind, I pray for them.
Because it's all I can do now.
So if any of you that are reading this feel let down by me in any way, shape, or form, I am so sorry. I have never intended to abandon anyone. I never wanted to hurt anyone, or let any friendship slowly shrivel and die away. It was just so easy. But know that I love you. Each of you. And if you want me to reach out, I will. I want to reach out and heal hurts that I've caused. Or hurts that just need some soothing, and maybe I can help. It's what the Savior would do and I want nothing more than to do what He would do.
I've lost a lot of friends. They're still my friends, I guess, if you count Facebook friends as actually being your friends, but it's in name only. Not real friends. Not anymore.

But last night, in my dream, that was all fixed with my friend.

And it was amazing.

Then I woke up. And I missed him.

Music in my heart

Last night I went and saw Phantom of the Opera, the 25th Anniversary performance, which was taped live from the Royal Albert Hall in London. It was SPECTACULAR. Ramin Karimloo played the Phantom, and he was so good it was breathtaking. I have been a fan of his for a long time, ever since I saw him do this and this. But as the Phantom....he was spectacular. Sierra Boggess played Christine and she is hands down the BEST Christine I have ever seen, heard, or dreamed up. I ADORED her performance. Her vocals were unnaturally good and her acting brought tears to my eyes. Turns out I loved her before I even knew who she was, because I have been in love with this, so it was just an awesome treat for me to see her in this role. What was a true revelation was the man who played Raoul, Hadley Fraser. Now, in the film version of the film, Raoul always seemed a teeny bit simpering to me, but I still liked him and wanted to Christine to go with him. But when I saw Hadley's version of Raoul....my GOSH, I was in love. And quite possibly legitimately so. He was soooooo good, and I do not think he got enough credit for the brilliance of his performance. So I guess you could say that I loved the show...... You know what was awesome? Having the camera close enough that we could see their faces. As much as I adore live shows, I always wish I had a better view of faces. So this was just perfect for me. Aide from the complete lack of a crashing chandelier [can't blame them for that....Royal Albert Hall is not exactly a good place to crash a chandelier], there wasn't a single thing I would have wished could be different. Well....maybe a different Meg. But she doesn't really do anything, so that's okay.
I have a problem, though. Every time I am exposed to some brilliant musical performance, I feel this agonizing twinge. I love music on a level that is so deep, it is engraved on my soul. Sounds dramatic, but it's true. And I have always wished that I had pursued the musical side of me with more vengeance, with more passion. But I am just insecure enough to not even attempt something if I doubt I can do it.
I have played the piano since I was a kid. I had the most amazing teacher, who taught me to love and appreciate music in a way I had never imagined. I had always loved Disney movies and the music from them and I grew up adoring Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins and the Sound of Music. I always wanted music on in the car and singing was my favorite part of church. I played the flute in the 5th and 6th grade band in my elementary school.When we found out we were moving, I was crushed. I was just getting to a fun level with piano and flute, and junior high school had choir, which I wanted to try, though I really didn't think I could sing, but it would be fun. But I decided that I would try out for choir with the other kids in my class, even though I was moving, just to see if I could make it. I would also try out for Jazz Band, to see if I would make that. When we moved, I would do which ever organization I would have made at  my old school. Turns out I did not make Jazz Band. But we got a phone call from one of the choir directors at the junior high to inform us that not only had I made it into choir, but I made the advanced choir. Since our family was not particularly musical, outside of piano lessons, we were pretty surprised. But I did choir when we moved, and never stopped. But sometimes, when I am feeling sorry for myself, I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed. What if I had been able to do the "advanced" choir in 7th grade? Would my training have been better? Would my voice be something impressive? What would I have been confident enough to do if I had that? But 'what if's get us nowhere, right? Right. Moving on.
I was once told that I had a good choir voice. I have no idea what that meant, but to me it said "Don't sing without other people" and very rarely have I strayed from that. I wish I hadn't listened. I wish I had done more musicals in high school. Sure, it would have been tough with swimming, but I would have loved that. I should have done that.
The best compliment I have ever received was when someone who is not particularly musical, but enjoys good music in his own way, said to me after a rather harrowing [on my part] duet in church with a friend, "Becky, I had no idea you could sing like that." I will never forget the glow that spread through me as I heard that. I wish I had tried harder so I could have heard more things like that, not to puff me up or give me an ego, but to boost  me, to reinforce that I could actually do what I loved because I was good at it.
This sort of melancholic musing happens every time I see a show that strikes me. Some have suggested I stop going to shows if this is what is going to happen. I can't do that. I just can't. It's kind of like my addiction, I guess.
Anyways, I hope I didn't sound whiney in here. That wasn't my point. I just wanted to get today's feelings out, and they happen to be a little self-pitying at the moment. Let me just say this: I know that I CAN sing, I just wish I was better, not for acclaim or notoriety, but so that I could be more comfortable with it. I would love to be able to sing in shows and in church and anywhere else without freaking out about it. Maybe I just need to take a little lesson from Sierra, huh?
Sigh. If onlys and what ifs are my weakness, guys. I know I could have and should have done so many things, but I let my own fears and doubts and the opinions of others dictate my actions. Don't do that. Be true to yourself. Do what YOU want to do, and don't let anybody tell you that you can't. Work hard and give it your best, and who knows? You just might get it. Miracles happen every day.
Hingsight is 20/20.
Okay, time to say something happy........uh.......Tomorrow is Friday! Woohoo!
PS. I am wearing gray knee socks with fuzzy spiders on them. That is awesome.